Diary of a Trophy Husband

I’m a trophy husband. I say it only 50% as a joke. Ok, maybe 60%, but there’s a certain element of it that I take pretty seriously.

I’ve been a trophy husband since 2015. That was when I got fired, although like any bad breakup I’ll maintain that the feeling was pretty mutual. If you’re curious about that story check it out here. It’s honestly sort of a prequel to dad stuff, the first time I opened up about my family life in what was otherwise a swimming/sports culture blog.

I had been very inadvertently fallen into a pretty “typical” male role. I worked long hours, didn’t take particularly good care of myself and wasn’t pulling my weight as a parent. Getting fired made me come home. The first thing that changed was that I took over a lot of the responsibility for my then 1.5 year old daughter, Olivia.

I also had time for stuff. Stuff that seemed unimportant or frivolous. I taught myself passable Spanish with duolingo. I started working out more. I took a lot of walks and made a tour of butcher shops in Northern Zealand to find the best products at each.

I enjoy the term Trophy Husband because its an inversion. When I think of the reverse, “Trophy Wife”, I think of an older, rich man who is on his second marriage with a young, very physically attractive woman. Not exactly the feminist ideal.

Trophy husband inversion allows for all sorts of fun. As far as I know, I am Kate’s first husband. She has not made any indications of swapping me out. A couple of weeks ago she even glanced over at me as I stood in my underwear and remarked “you look pretty good honey!”. I thought I could die.

While a recent bout of bludgeoning my ankles and fists into a heavy bag has put me in better form, I’m not going to quit my day job and and launch an instagram account built around photos of me in tight fitting workout gear.

Much like being a dad means that doing 50th percentile mom tasks gets you praised like you cured cancer twice over, the bar for Trophy Husband is actually pretty easy to clear. Support your wife in her career and her ambitions, make yourself extra useful with the children. Make a token effort at exercise. Drink but not too much. Shave every couple days. Shower daily.

That’s about it.