If you coach, then you will not be able to avoid making critiques. Even in the world of Positive Psychology, where there is intentional focus on feedback that is additive and future looking, there will always be advice on what not to do.
A week ago I wrote about my own approach to marketing what I was doing, and the struggle I had with the narcissism that I think social media algorithms incentivize. In the process I mentioned Kyle Sockwell and his efforts to promote swimming.
It should come as no surprise that having your name mentioned in a blog with “narcissism” in the title wasn’t well received. Kyle messaged me on instagram and expressed disappointment that I had not contacted him prior to writing the post. I apologized and have invited him to appear on the Swim Brief podcast or to respond in greater detail via writing, since he also felt that I misrepresented his character and intentions.
It may come as a surprise to some of you that I was upset to read his response. Should I have seen it coming? Yes. But I had to reflect on why it hurt. I’m like anyone else, when someone else is upset with me I want to defend myself. I had to admit that it hurt because it rang true- I could have brought some of my critiques directly to Kyle before publishing them and given him a chance to respond, rather than just plunging forward with a post.
Striking a nerve
Inside of that is a lesson for many coaches. I know I’ve found myself frustrated many times when I try to deliver a critique and whoever I am coaching responds defensively. We should consider that when someone responds defensively it is because they actually agree with you to a certain extent.
Imagine, for example, that if instead of telling one of your athletes that their inconsistent attendance to practice was hampering their efforts to improve, that you didn’t like the alien spacecraft they had landed in. The latter critique would probably get a confused look, followed by some jokes with their teammates, and eventually, possibly a concerned parent.
What it wouldn’t elicit is a defensive response. Because the athlete wouldn’t consider for a second that perhaps they had actually arrived as part of a Martian plot to replace the human population of earth.
We often think of things in binary terms like “true” or “not true” because it is easier for our mind to categorize literally anything as one or the other. It greatly simplifies the decision making process if you have everything properly sorted.
For many pieces of information, for many people, there is an internal, ongoing struggle to decide whether or not something is true. Some days you believe in something a little more, some days a little less.
Often in coaching I frame this when trying to develop optimism in athletes. Every athlete I have ever worked with has thought of optimism as some sort of on/off switch, another binary. They perceive that they are not optimistic, and they want to be optimistic. Optimism is not a binary. There is no threshold whereby you become “optimistic”.
It is a competency that you can build. You can improve it and measure it in mostly subjective ways. There is no blood test where you find out that now you have 65% optimism running through your veins.
One of the moments where I found myself most dejected in my own swimming career was during my freshmen year of college. I was obsessed with preparing for my first collegiate season, such that I asked for the strength and conditioning program the spring before I started. I began lifting and training purely on my own.
While that may all seem well and good, what was fueling it was a false hope that somehow I could reach a stage of full preparedness, where nothing would be able to shake me.
In the fall, with season a few weeks away, I came in seeking approval of my preparation with my college coach. I recounted everything I had done.
My coach looked at me and said something to the effect of “no matter how good you start, I will set the bar higher”. Looking back now I see exactly what he was trying to communicate, that there was no of working past that insecurity. Sooner or later I had to accept what the actual process was.
When I work with coaches and athletes now, I start from the perspective of how much of coaching is not just delivering technical knowledge of the sport, but also teaching people how to improve. There’s an art to taking, and delivering, critiques in a way that keeps everyone improving.
I’m working on it every day.