This is a part of a series on Positive Masculinity. For the other parts click on the following links
In part two of this series, I discussed what I perceived as the lack of empathy for men generally. One of the things that I think that is often misunderstood is how we acknowledge the “privileged” nature of being a man. I won’t attempt to broach that giant subject here, but I do want to distinguish between what I think a lot of people substitute for “empathy” and why many people may think that there is already too much empathy for men in the world.
Empathy to me is a simple, yet often misunderstood concept. That misunderstanding often leads people to unconsciously avoid it because they think it is something other than it is. When it comes to men, I think the most common misundertanding of empathy is that permissiveness is supplied instead.
Let me give you a basic example, born out of raising a boy and a girl (aged 7 and 11 at time of writing in 2025). If reports from school are to be believed, the general level of behavior for boys in both age groups is fairly appalling. Those reports are confirmed by my own eyes when I observe the boys in group social situations (birthday parties, friends hanging out, etc).
Quite often I think this behavior is explained with the time honored phrase “boys will be boys”.
if you dig a layer deeper, you may find people empathizing with the plight of boys. You will hear that school has not been designed for boys. There is too much sitting still, boys need to run around, etc.
What I find much more often than any empathetic solution is for people (parents, teachers, other adults) to be permissive. We can see on some level that boys are having a tough time so we just sort of try to let them be andf act however. I find that in general there is little to no attempt by the community at large to set appropriate boundaries for behavior.
I don’t find this to be particularly empathetic or productive at addressing real societal problems. The way that this permissive approach levels up into adulthood is even more troubling in many respects.
Cultural knowledge
It’s a sad state that somehow simultaneously men are in crisis and allowed way too much latitude. While education and employment for young men have gone underwater vs their female counterparts, men also continue to lag in their participation in domestic labor (that is, the shared tasks done in the household that are not traditionally defined as “work”).
I have a theory about this, and well, you’re reading this blog for my theories aren’t you? This theory happens to tie everything I’ve been talking about in a tidy bow so it’s well worth hearing. It’s informed by my own experience being a partner, father and struggling mightily.
Cultural knowledge is knowledge passed down from within a culture. For men, we don’t have a big wellspring of cultural knowledge when it comes to domestic labor. My dad has never cooked a meal for me in his life, among many other things. Many men like me grew up with boomer dads that were permitted to be non-participants in domestic life.
When my wife and I had our first child, it greatly accelerated the gaps in my own cultural knowledge. No one can truly be prepared for becoming a parent. But I could see that my wife, despite defying many of the prescribed norms for a woman, still had way more cultural knowledge around raising children than I did.
Now let’s look at this situation through the lens of empathy vs permissiveness. Empathy in this case is hard, as it always is, but I would argue worth it. I really needed some empathy during those moments for the fact that I simply did not know what to do.
What many people, even those of the supposedly more gender norm enlightened age do, is opt for permissiveness. The husband is clueless about domestic labor, and therefore is largely permitted through a relationship dynamic to forego large portions of it. This has often been described as “weaponized incompetence” a term I don’t love to use because it frames everything as adversarial when cooperation is what we want.
This example reveals a key aspect of permissiveness: it subtracts accountability. Remember when I said I needed empathy for my lack of knowledge? That’s still true. I also was responsible for bringing my knowledge and execution up. Many people think that by going to empathy they are absolving people of responsibility- I disagree. Empathy is understanding, which is necessary to create the environment where people can learn.
Breaking the Toxic Cycle
Ultimately, changing the dynamic where permissiveness reigns over empathy is crucial. What many men are learning in the current set up is that the world has no empathy for them, and that the only way to a good life is to acquire enough power that their actions go unchecked (permitted)
If you want a world with men who express themselves emotionally, regulate and treat others with empathy, then put empathy onto the men in your life. Do it without any expectation of what will happen in return. Also remember that empathy has nothing to do with what behaviors you will and will not tolerate.